March 15, 2006

Family begins with "F"

It may be hard to believe, but yes — I do own a dictionary.

In fact, the dictionary I use at home weighs more than my wife. It’s the Encarta World English Dictionary and it’s proven over and over again to be a valuable resource.

And such was the case on Saturday morning, when I was drafting the routine I would use later that evening in my debut performance as a comedian at the second annual Maine Family Fun Festival in Biddeford.

Many of those who organized and operate the Maine Family Fun Festival are former volunteers for Biddeford’s more well-known La Kermesse Festival.

The newer festival got its name because organizers wanted their three-day event to be more focused upon family activities than any particular cultural heritage.

But when I found out that Tim Sevigny, a Biddeford firefighter who is one of the MFFF’s key organizers, doesn’t have children, I immediately understood why he would think it makes sense to combine the words “family” and “fun.”

I don’t know, maybe the MFFF organizers are into alliteration. If so, I think there are a lot of other “F” words that come to mind when talking about our families.

Now get your mind out of the gutter because this is where my dictionary comes into the picture. This is a “family” newspaper, after all.

When I think of “family,” I think of fighting, feuds, fanatics, felons and freeloaders.

I also think about flatulence because of the trauma that is rekindled whenever my mother tells me to pull her finger.

Although our society is encouraged to think of families as breeding fond familiarity, when you peek just beneath the façade of that fable, it’s easy to see the propaganda as not much more of a fantasy, a fallacy or more accurately — a falsehood that relies favorably upon fiction.

My dictionary describes the word “family” primarily as a noun, meaning “people living together with several things in common; a group of people living together and ‘functioning’ as a single household, usually consisting of children and their parents.”

In my dictionary, the word “family” follows variations of the word “familiar,” a derivative of the Latin “familia,” which when properly translated means “something that defies logic and conventional wisdom.”

So, if family is about familiarity and co-existence, then isn’t it appropriate to describe our greater community as not much more than one big, extended family? Work with me here.

We all live in the same community, and we all share common challenges and goals. And as much as you disagree with some members of your own family, the same could be said of your larger family.

Under this hypothesis, we could all begin addressing Biddeford Mayor Wallace Nutting as “Dad” (Or maybe as Sir Dad, sir). And Saco Mayor Mark Johnston, already known for his ability to feed many people with short notice, could be “Mom.”

Old Orchard Beach Town Manager Jim Thomas is more like Uncle Lou, the guy who always passes out after Thanksgiving dinner and likes to tell you stories about how he used to fight off grizzly bears with nothing more than his Thermos.

In a few weeks, Biddeford will again host the annual La Kermesse Festival. Some might think that La Kermesse suffered a schism of sorts when Sevigny and other volunteers decided last year to do something different by organizing the Maine Family Fun Festival.

But I think both festivals can coexist, so long as we can remember that we are all part of the same family, regardless of our zip codes.

Festivals are, in many ways, a community’s version of a family reunion. Once a year, you get to eat, laugh and play with relatives you have not seen in a long while.

So, can our larger family handle two annual reunions? It remains to be seen, especially if the first one always happens during weather that’s more suited to Seattle than Biddeford.

But we can all be proud that our extended family is willing to make such an effort, especially when you think about how much work and sacrifice the festivals/reunions require.

Let’s face it, family life is seldom fun. More often than not, we are confronted with daily challenges when it comes to finding a peaceful way to “live” with people who really don’t have as much in common as my dictionary would suggest.

Your family, however — whether it’s the people you share a home with, or the neighbors down the street — will still take you in when the rest of the world is ready to throw in the towel on your failures. And what’s wrong with celebrating that?

Family is the foundation that shapes our future. It’s just one of the many things we all have in common, and that’s worth remembering, especially when many of us are so quick to point out our differences.

Families may not always be fun, but they can be funny — as long as I’m not the one fretting his own three minutes on the stage. Based upon my performance as an amateur comedian, I think I’ll stick with writing and my big dictionary. Besides, I’m running out of “F” words.

In the meantime, whatever you do — don’t pull Mark Johnston’s finger.

Me & Larry

Me and Larry — we have a problem.

You already know me, but you may not know Larry.

“Larry” is a 65-pound, four-foot squirrel with razor-sharp teeth — and he is wreaking havoc with the oasis of tranquility that I am trying to create in my back yard.

Okay, maybe I am exaggerating just a bit. While we already covered my penchant for stretching the truth in last week’s column, there is no denying that Larry is a “big” squirrel; and he does represent a clear and present danger to the lingering strands of my sanity.

Just this morning, I got up early to help the kids make a Mother’s Day breakfast in bed for Laura. If you know my wife, you also know that I didn’t need to get up early. I could have waited until noon, but I was concerned that the kids would start without me.

Standing at the kitchen sink, I looked out the window. And there was Larry, gleefully feasting on the premium bird seed that I bought just two weeks ago. I think he saw me in the window and sneered in my direction, using his little paws to make the shape of an “L” on his furry forehead: LOSER.

To make matters worse, he was hanging five feet off the ground, sitting atop my new cedar bird feeder. Somehow, Larry figured out the new pole I bought last week. He ignored the so-called “squirrel-baffle” I installed. Again, he anticipated my every move and outsmarted me, just like Liz Gold does on deadline day.

Ignoring the rain, I ran outside to take up arms against my oppressor, but I forgot that I was only wearing a tee-shirt and boxer shorts. So there I was, in all my half-naked glory, screaming like a lunatic in the rain and throwing rocks at an animal that is obviously smarter and faster than me.

The rocks missed Larry, but I did hit the new bird feeder, cracking the glass where the seed is stored. “You just wait,” I screamed, marching back into the house and searching for the BB gun. “Say hello to my little friend,” I said, still mostly naked but now armed with my Daisy Sharp-Shooter as I stomped back outside.

Larry finally scurried back to the hills of Lessard Avenue, but I’ve got a funny feeling that he’ll be back — just like John Martin, the man who dominated the Maine House of Representatives for nearly two decades.

John Martin and Larry have a lot in common. They both have beady eyes and razor sharp teeth. And they both like to feed on the fruits of southern Maine’s labor. Thus, our state’s term limits law has become a lot like those so-called “squirrel baffles” that you can buy at home and garden stores: inefficient and expensive.

Just like Larry, John Martin — the most famous Democrat north of Bangor — and his band of merry men have figured a way around the law. The champion of Eagle Lake is now back in the Legislature; this time in the senate.

Maine’s term limits law accomplishes little to nothing when it comes time providing a level playing field for others who would like to go to Augusta to raise taxes, create new laws and get a voice in the debate of whether Moxie should be the state beverage.

While term limits does wipe out the Legislature’s institutional memory base, it also makes our state lawmakers look like a collection of 186 pinheads, especially when compared to the more seasoned lobbyists and bureaucrats who have burrowed themselves into the corridors of power in Augusta.

Just as we got rid of Johhny Martin and his “ballotgate” antics, he found a loophole and went back to Augusta. Term limits did nothing but interrupt his feeding frenzy.

Now I don’t blame the people of Eagle Lake for voting repeatedly to send Johnny back to Augusta. He’s smart and effective. He knows how to bring home the bacon for a region that is known better for its moose-vehicle collisions than for its new technology firms.

Term limits, at least, provide an interruption of the political power grab. For those of us who live outside any particular legislative district — such as Eagle Lake or Biddeford’s District 135 — term limits allows us some relief from a smaller group of apathetic or over-zealous voters.

Besides, you can’t very well go into northern Maine to “hunt” John Martin dressed only in a tee-shirt and boxer shorts with a Daisy BB gun or any other kind of weapon, unless, of course, you’re wearing hunter orange. And then, you’ll blend in perfectly.

I’ll be returning my squirrel baffle, and Maine voters should follow my lead and dump our term limits law. Let’s face it. The squirrels will never change, and we all have more important things to do — so how ‘bout that Moxie?

Favorite Columns

By popular demand, I am providing a sampling of some of my favorite All Along The Watchtowe columns from my tenure as editor of the Biddeford-Saco-OOB Courier (1998-2005)

To access these columns, simply search the scroll bar on the right, and click on "All Along The Watchtower"

Enjoy!

March 6, 2006

What's the deal?

I cannot gain editing access to my own blog. . . stay tuned for more info and updates

February 22, 2006

Forget Osama: Here's how to destroy America

Sorry it's been so long, but to make up for my laziness I opted to "cut and paste" something I came across on the "As Maine Goes" website www.asmainegoes.com

Diversity? We don't need no stinkin' diversity . . . the following is attributed to former Colorado Gov. Dick Lamm (a Democrat). Think before responding . . .

If you believe that America is too smug, too self-satisfied, too rich, then let's destroy America It is not that hard to do. No nation in history has survived the ravages of time. Arnold Toynbee observed that all great civilizations rise and fall and that "An autopsy of history would show that all great nations commit suicide." Here is how they do it: First, to destroy America, turn America into a bilingual or multi-lingual and bicultural country. History shows that no nation can survive the tension, conflict, and antagonism of two or more competing languages and cultures. It is a blessing for an individual to be bilingual; however, it is a curse for a society to be bilingual. The historical scholar, Seymour Lipset, put it this way: "The histories of bilingual and bi-cultural societies that do not assimilate are histories of turmoil, tension, and tragedy." Canada, Belgium, Malaysia, and Lebanon all face crises of national existence, in which minorities press for autonomy, if not independence. Pakistan and Cyprus have divided. Nigeria suppressed an ethnic rebellion. France faces difficulties with Basques, Bretons, and Corsicans. Second, to destroy America, "Invent 'multiculturalism' and encourage immigrants to maintain their culture." I would make it an article of belief that all cultures are equal. That there are no cultural differences. I would make it an article of faith that the Black and Hispanic dropout rates are due solely to prejudice and discrimination by the majority. Every other explanation is out of bounds. Third, we could make the United States an "Hispanic Quebec" without much effort. The key is to celebrate diversity rather than unity. As Benjamin Schwarz said in the Atlantic Monthly recently: "The apparent success of our own multiethnic and multicultural experiment might have been achieved not by tolerance but by hegemony. Without the dominance that once dictated ethnocentricity and what it meant to be an American, we are left with only tolerance and pluralism to hold us together." I would encourage all immigrants to keep their own language and culture. I would replace the melting pot metaphor with the salad bowl metaphor. It is important to ensure that we have various cultural subgroups living in America enforcing their differences rather than as Americans, emphasizing their similarities. Fourth, I would make our fastest growing demographic group the least educated. I would add a second underclass, unassimilated, undereducated, and antagonistic to our population. I would have this second underclass have a 50% dropout rate from high school. My fifth point for destroying America would be to get big foundations and business to give these efforts lots of money. I would invest in ethnic identity, and I would establish the cult of "Victimology." I would get all minorities to think that their lack of success was the fault of the majority! I would start a grievance industry blaming all minority failure on the majority population. My sixth plan for America's downfall would include dual citizenship, and promote divided loyalties. I would celebrate diversity over unity. I would stress differences rather than similarities. Diverse people worldwide are mostly engaged in hating each other - that is, when they are not killing each other. A diverse, peaceful, or stable society is against most historical precedent. People undervalue the unity it takes to keep a nation together. Look at the ancient Greeks. The Greeks believed that they belonged to the same race; they possessed a common language and literature; and they worshipped the same gods. All Greece took part the Olympic games. A common enemy, Persia, threatened their liberty. Yet all these bonds were not strong enough to overcome two factors: local patriotism and geographical conditions that nurtured political divisions. Greece fell. "E. Pluribus Unum" -- From many, one. In that historical reality, if we put the emphasis on the 'pluribus' instead of the 'Unum,' we will balkanize America as surely as Kosovo. Next to last, I would place all subjects off limits; make it taboo to talk about anything against the cult of "diversity." I would find a word similar to "heretic" in the 16th century - that stopped discussion and paralyzed thinking. Words like "racist" or "xenophobe" halt discussion and debate. Having made America a bilingual/bicultural country, having established multi-culturism, having the large foundations fund the doctrine of "Victimology," I would next make it impossible to enforce our immigration laws. I would develop a mantra: That because immigration has been good for America, it must always be good. I would make every individual immigrant symmetric and ignore the cumulative impact of millions of them. Lastly, I would censor Victor Hanson Davis's book "Mexifornia." His book is dangerous. It exposes the plan to destroy America. If you feel America deserves to be destroyed, don't read that book.

January 16, 2006

Watch out, Bob Villa



The boys (me included) couldn't wait to tackle the wall paper in the dining room as soon as Laura finished the kitchen. Hallway and stairwell is next, then ceramic tile floors in the living room and a new floor in the kitchen.

And, Laura says, "Don't forget the upstairs bathroom."



Matt had a field day trying to "outdo" his brother by tearing bigger strips. If you think this wallpaper was bad, you should see what we found underneath . . .


This Old House

Another holiday . . . another home improvement project.

Someone take away the TLC channel from my cable service . . .

So, check out the golden kitchen, and the old photos from when we bought the house 1-1/2 years ago.


January 11, 2006

Transistion: Part Deux

Week Two, and I am finally starting to settle into the new gig. I have moved into my new office; set up the voice-mail and e-mail but can't find where they keep the stamps for the other mail.

Quick update for loyal readers and concerned family members:
I did NOT have a heart attack last week.

I have yet to get the ambulance bill, but that might do the trick. In all reality, my cardiovascular system is in good shape. My muscular structure, however, needs some tweaking.

The new job is presenting some new challenges as well as new opportunities. With each passing day, I am growing increasingly confident that I made a good decision.

The challenges: A normal schedule. Getting up at 6 a.m. on Wednesdays is foreign to me just like being home at 5:30 p.m. on Tuesdays. Having my own office (finally) is nice, but I feel cut-off.

Strategic communication is hard to define and strikes me as utterly subjective. Is strategy quantifiable? In the newspaper business, you had a tangible product to demonstrate the amount of your effort each week.

While the pace of the new job matches my style: straightforward, hectic and deadline driven, commuting to and from Portland each day is a drag . . . which reminds me that I'm going to finally fill out that EZ PASS application. Digging for coins while sipping coffee does not blend well with my new wardrobe, which is much more business casual than formal most of the time.

There are, however, advantages to working outside of the Biddeford area, not the least of which is you can go someplace different for lunch every day for months on end.

I miss the familiarity of seeing people I know every day and being part of downtown Biddeford's fabric, but it is amazing how many "locals" I bump into each day in Portland. I spent many years living in Portland (from the West End to the "Hill," and from Peaks Island to Riverton) and it amazes me how much has changed yet stayed the same.

I am looking forward to being a member of Biddeford's City Charter Review Commission. I missed the first meeting because of the impromptu trip to Waterville's hospital, and Ron Peaker was elected chair. I was told that Marc Lessard was the only other one running.

Who do you think I would have voted for? Lessard or Peaker? Hmmmm . . ..
I will end by saying that I look forward to any constructive suggestions about the charter. Post them here.

As for local politics, stay tuned because I'll have plenty to say. I just need a few more days to wrap up the transition process, so please be patient.

Who knows, if I keep working late maybe I'll end up moving in with Shawn and Joe in Old Orchard Beach.

January 6, 2006

Who has the advantage?

With all the defections and Twomey's flip-flop, it's hard for me to believe the state's Democratic Party hasn't suffered.

So, while the GOP lost an opportunity for power sharing during the next few weeks of the second session, they could build some incredible momentum for November.

There's just one problem. Voters tend to reject whiners. We need people (candidates) who will focus on solutions, not problems.

The remarks made my Mr. Bowles seemed a bit over the top, especially his implied threat about what Republicans will do if they get the majority in the 123rd Legislature.

Republicans in Maine should take a cue from Peter Mills. Mills didn't attack Baldacci, he attacked Baldacci's borrowing plan last year. He made it happen, granted with a lot of help.

I guess my point is this, we need less name calling and theatrics; that sort of stuff gets plenty of media coverage but it does nothing for the people being served.

Regardless of party affiliation, I (and just about everyone I talk to) is looking for candidates who are prepared to offer bold, yet reasoned leadership. Leadership is not about determining trends. Leadership is NOT about making everyone happy and leadership is not about personalities.

Leadership is about integrity and about making sacrifices (both personal and political) in order to benefit the majority. The majority of businesses in Maine are small businesses and even the large companies are facing a hostile environment.

Not being able to buy a home or feed your family is a crisis. Not being able to educate your children is a crisis. The private sector can and will help out with these situations, as they have done with private contributions to the LIHEAP account.

Certainly, there needs to be a regulatory balance, but right now the scales have been tipped the wrong way. Fishermen can no longer afford to live near the coast; and the biggest economic growth we're seeing is in the service sector and real estate for the retired.

The median income in Maine is $37,500 per year. We cannot improve upon that without attracting companies to Maine. And we simply can't attract companies to Maine if we continue acting hostile toward them. Otherwise, we'll only have firms that cater to the lower middle income majority.

It's time for everyone (Democrats, Republicans, Greens, Independents and others) to demonstrate leadership.

January 2, 2006

New Year, Baby!




Laura was in rare shape on New Years Day and sort of participated in the annual "polar bear" Lobster Dip by running her boots in the Atlantic at high noon.

We missed the noon event by a few minutes but this was the first year that it wasn't my assignment for the newspaper. Speaking of which, it's hard to believe that I will be starting my new job tomorrow.

I will update again soon to let you know whether I make it through the first day.

In the meantime, take a gander at what I did during my week off from work. I repainted the kids playroom in the basement.

That's the before shot, as I started painting. Here's the after shot:

And the second after shot shows the rest of the completed room.